Lose to Win…Again!
Last week, I shared my experience and thoughts on my previous pageant competition on my podcast, but I also felt like I wanted to share on my blog as well. It is sometimes easier to express myself through writing than through speaking. It’s been over a month since I competed for the title of Ms. Black USA, and I am barely getting back into somewhat of a normal routine. Switching gears is always hard when you have been working so hard for so long on something. To add, I turned 40 in July and was also planning a small, little shindig to celebrate with my family, so I had a lot going on. Anywho, I always have to share my experience each time I compete, and this one is no different. I am going to get straight to it. What I learned was God belongs in pageantry. Yep, He sure does. I know many believers compete, and many coaches and programs that are Christian, but I didn’t think much of it until my recent competition.
I spent much of my prep time seeking God and wanting to make sure that I was grounded in Him. I was convinced that He wanted me in the world of pageantry. However, I didn’t necessarily want to continue with it. Because of this, I sought Him to try and get clarity on my why and because I didn’t want to do this half-heartedly. Also, I wanted my true self to shine (Matthew 5:16). I didn’t want to walk around with some sort of false confidence that would dwindle once I was around other queens. I wanted to shine from the inside out. I wanted it to be obvious that I was a queen not because of my appearance but because of my spirit. I am a pretty confident person, but when it comes to pageantry, you are amongst women who are just as deserving of winning as you are, so you never want to make room for the devil to seep in and make you feel less than. Let’s be real, you are purposely subjecting yourself to be judged in comparison to other women based on your looks, intelligence, personality, and impact. That is tough!
This time, because I had a better understanding of what is expected in pageantry; I was determined to step up my game. I didn’t really want to be in this world, but I figured if I competed and went through the full process such as making sure I was fit, interview coaching, runway coaching, etc., and it yielded the desired result maybe the desire to be in this world would change. Actually, the opposite happened. I ended up sitting here like, God why do you want me to be here if I can’t even be successful in it? Why do you keep making me look and feel like a fool? I was reminded of His words to me months before competing which were, “It is not about the win!” And even though I knew that, I was like, But it would be nice, God. I mean this is really taking a lot of my time and mental space, the least that could happen is for it to end in my favor, LOL! *eye roll*
What really took me out was all that I experienced during the actual competition. My nerves were unusually bad, I was shaking uncontrollably, and one of the judges didn’t even find it necessary to even watch my gown competition. I mean, the woman didn’t look up once! That showed me what He wanted me to learn. “Your worth is not determined by some judges’ scorecards. Your worth is determined by ME, and who I say you are!! Sure, having a crown may have its benefits, but if you don’t have Me, you have nothing!!”
Had I not spent the prior months preparing, spiritually, as well as all the other stuff, this loss could have been a hard blow. Why? Because I really did work hard and put a lot into it. It is even tougher when you have a family and job to tend to. I was so proud of myself, and I knew I had the potential to come out on top, so when I didn’t, I could have allowed it to make me question myself and my worth. But all the affirmations/scriptures I spoke to myself came in handy when I began to feel like a failure. “I am a masterpiece (Ephesians 2:10). My beauty is not determined by my outward appearance but by my meek spirit (1 Peter 3:4). I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:13-14). I am a chosen people. A royal priesthood (1 Peter 2:9).” That is why God belongs in pageantry.
You cannot put yourself up to compete amongst beautiful, deserving women if your identity is not rooted in Him. Imagine the mental exercises that go on in your head during pageant week, as you meet the others vying for the same title. Now add, not knowing who you are, insecurities, negative self-talk, lack of confidence, imposter syndrome, and not implanting God anywhere in the equation. Also, imagine being confident and prepared while still walking away and not reaching the intended goal. You have to be ok with that. There is nothing more beautiful in pageantry than losing with grace and knowing that you are not broken because of it but understanding it was just not in God’s plan or your time.
It’s ministry. Many women enjoy pageantry. But many women are not prepared for all that comes with it. It is not just about being pretty and modeling swimsuits and gowns. It’s about showcasing your best self, and yourself is not at its best if you are not seeking God and seeing yourself through His eyes. Although God and I had our moments during this time, and I questioned why in the world He wants me here if I feel so inadequate, I know that it is to remind me of where my validation comes from. My feelings of inadequacy keep me relying on Him. And maybe….just maybe… my journey inspires others to not only seek pageantry but to seek God while seeking pageantry. Be blessed!!!
Mommin'. Wife'n. Queenin'. 