I haven’t posted since my Mrs. America experience, so I think it is about time to give an update on my life, lol! About a month ago, I attended the She Wins by Faith healing retreat again this year. And wow, did God show up. This year has been weird for me because although He has been blessing me consistently and answering prayers I have prayed, my time with Him has been more random and sporadic, and I have been finding it hard to focus. I am constantly distracted by devices and my thoughts. My brain has been a bit foggy, and I have been struggling with knowing what my next move should be.
While at the retreat, all I wanted to do was….retreat, lol!! I needed time to myself and although the house was filled with women I adored, I needed to have space to myself. I spent most of my time alone…sleeping. I needed it lol!! As a wife and mom, I don’t sleep as much as I would like and when I am still, I always feel guilty as if there is something I should be doing. So, my plan was to make sure I got time to rest, but I also wanted to take advantage of the fact that God was in the midst. I wanted to be open to what He had for me so that I can leave knowing that I encountered Him. The praise and worship was amazing, and I always enjoy being in a worship atmosphere. However, there were times that I felt like something was wrong with me because I wasn’t having miraculous breakthroughs like many of the other women, and although it is amazing to see Him working, I wondered if I was missing something on the inside. However, every time I felt that way or questioned if I was worthy of experiencing His encounter, He spoke to me, assuring me that He hears me and comforted my doubts. If there was ever a time I questioned His existence, He shattered ALL doubt, you hear me?
What I learned from the experience is, God wants us to come to Him. He wants us to call for His help when we are in need and seek His face. He is capable and wants to heal us, but we don’t seek Him! As my big sis, Tamika Hall, kept saying, we are under an open heaven. We have not because we ask not. God performed miracle after miracle after miracle at the retreat proving over and over that HE IS GOD and HE IS GOOD. He revealed Himself in so many ways…that as I type this, I am still in awe. He healed sicknesses, addressed generational curses, called out demonic spirits and thinking, spoke life, revived… I cannot share all that we experienced at the retreat because quite frankly, it was overwhelming, and you probably won’t believe me. What it did for me was show me that HE is REAL and has not forgotten ME.
I am a Christian woman, I love God, and I know who He is and what He is capable of, but I would be lying if I said my faith never wavers. He has shown me over the past few years that He is with me, but to be transparent, I sometimes feel like He forgets me. Ain’t that crazy?? And selfish? I find myself comparing others’ relationship with Him to mine and questioning, God, do you really love me? Why can you speak so clearly to so-and-so, I am over here struggling with figuring out what you want from me and for me… Y’all, God be sicka me because I am hard-headed, but in my defense and ebonically speaking, ion be understanding what He be wanting me to do, and it is frustrating. When I read the bible, I don’t always get clarity or understanding…and in my quiet moments, I don’t hear His voice…or maybe I miss it. So being at the retreat, renewed me and give me hope for my future (Jeremiah 29:11). I still get heavily distracted and my time with Him, isn’t where I would like it to be at the moment, but I know He is with me. He shows me that my life is a blessing, and it is mine to live. I cannot live in comparison because it steals away moments that are meant for only me with thoughts of what is for someone else. The growing pains that come with strengthening my relationship with Him aren’t fun but are necessary and I cannot give up on the ride. So I say this to you, you may not be able to attend a healing retreat or have God-filled women in your life who pray for you and worship with you. Or you may feel like God has forgotten you and cannot understand what He wants for you. You may be still searching for your purpose, but know for sure, He hasn’t forgotten you and He is still performing miracles. He is still making Himself known and if you look closely at your life, you will see evidence of Him in the smallest of things. Continue to seek Him. Continue to be faithful. Continue to spend time with Him. He won’t let you down, and He will surely give you the desires of your heart. So keep trusting Him!!! That’s all I have for now!! Be blessed!!!