The Courage to be Free: You gotta have Faith

She got me!! ‘RONA GOT ME, Y’ALL!!  UGH, so after feeling ill for a few days, I decided to get tested for COVID just because I wasn’t feeling right and honestly, just did it as a last resort.  I am fully vaccinated and just figured hummm, just to be on the safe side, I would get tested, not thinking that it would actually return POSITIVE.  Y’all, I have to admit, this was so devastating to hear.  I hardly ever get sick, I rarely go anywhere and when I do, I mask up, sanitize, and keep my distance from folk.  I couldn’t believe I had gotten the Rona!  

The idea of quarantining hits differently when you have to quarantine in your own home. The first day when I learned of the result, I summoned myself to the basement and immediately, my mind started to play tricks on me. I started to worry about my family. I knew my daughter would have to quarantine and not being able to start school with the other kids.  My husband would have to report it to his manager. I was even concerned that because I was on call, my boss and coworkers would be upset that someone else would have to take on this responsibility.  I immediately started to feel guilty and get teary-eyed that as careful as I am, I somehow got the virus.  Then, I began to think of what I could do in insolation and asked God how I can use this time wisely.  I was already spending too much time in my head, and I didn’t want to make this a depressing experience. I asked God to help me finally rest (physically, mentally, and emotionally).  What he was revealing to me was, GIRL YOU NEED TO REST!!! THIS IS YOUR OPPORTUNITY!  I had to accept that.

Let’s back track for a minute.  I am not actually sure when the initial symptoms started. I woke up with a headache a few days before I even decided to go the urgent care.  I get migraines often, so I thought it was just one of those days.  I slept it off and just pushed through. The days following, I felt off, but just pushed through. I just thought I wasn’t eating right because I wasn’t eating much and when I did, nothing seemed to fill me up, and I attributed the sick feeling to not eating enough. By the time I decided to go to the doctor, I was aching, fatigued, and congested.  During this time, I was still trying to work. Still trying to make my commitments to other people.  Still trying to mommy.  I felt bad, but I wouldn’t allow myself to stop.  I kept telling myself, it’s probably just a little cold, and kept trying to go about my daily routines.  Granted, I was taking long naps during the day after I would log off, but I was really trying my best to push through.

Now that I am reflecting on this, I cannot understand why I struggle with allowing myself to rest and acknowledge that I am not doing well when I am truly not doing well.  I almost didn’t go to the doctor and was just going to let it just pass, but my husband insisted I go to the doctor because he knew I just wasn’t myself.  (Thank God I listened).  Y’all this was truly a tough experience for me, and since I was vaccinated my symptoms where quite mild compared to what others have gone through.  It wasn’t so much the sickness in my body but more so the mental strain it created.  The enemy knows the best way to get me is to mess with my head.

One thing he kept messing with me is the concept of faith.  I had already been talking about how faith can have you looking a hot mess because you can have so much faith in something and expect to have it, but if it is NOT in His will, you’re not going to get it. So, I had been learning that it is so important that you align with God so His will becomes your will.  But y’all, the enemy had me fearing that when I went back to get retested that the result would return positive again, and I would have to quarantine and isolate longer.  I started to go down a rabbit hole of crazy thoughts and started remembering all the times I had prayed for things that didn’t come to pass and was finding it difficult to trust that when I pray for this NEGATIVE test that it would NOT return as such.  Then I thought, how can I have faith in one area of my life by taking on the mantra “JUST DO IT!” but cannot have faith that this virus will leave my system in due time?

What I learned is, I tend to panic in moments that come unexpectedly and instead of expecting it to go well, I start to think I must have done something wrong for this to happen, and what sense does it make to pray about it because He is not going to pull me out.  It just has to play out!  Y’all ain’t that crazy!  I was literally having battling conversations in my head of bad things that could go wrong.  The devil was having a field day in my head. The isolation was killing me, and I had to intentionally focus my mind on God and His word.  I kept telling myself God has not given us the spirit of fear. I even starting singing, “Stir up the Gift” by the Colorado Mass Choir so that I could get it stuck in my head (head over to wherever you get your music and listen).

Overall, I definitely think it is true that an idle mind is a devil’s workshop.  I think because I asked God to help me take advantage of this quarantine and use my time wisely, the devil seeped his way in to make me waste my time so that I wouldn’t use it to go to God. Unfortunately, this made from some crazy ranges of emotions but at the end of the day, I know who God is. And even though it sucked to get COVID, and if I am being honest with you, I thought I was always being careful enough not to get it, I think the positive that I took from it was recognizing my weaknesses and the importance of being intentional when battling the enemy.  The only way to battle him is with God’s words and promises.  My devotional this morning focused on fighting spiritual warfare.  Particularly, Ephesians 6:17 where it talks about the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, and that was the lesson I learned. As a matter of fact, everything I seemed to hear or read focused on overcoming fear, having faith, and battling spiritual warfare. 

My prayer to anyone reading this is don’t allow the enemy to make you waver in your faith. Faith is a beautiful thing, and it shows God that you trust Him.  I know it is easy to think of all the times faith had you looking like a fool because you had all the faith in the world, but something just didn’t fall through. Trust and believe that was for your good.  Instead, remind yourself of all the other times you didn’t see your way through, and He made a way out of no way!! Meditate on these times and know that if He did it then, He will do it again!!

So for me, my family and I just took the retest, and I know the results will ALL return negative, and my home will return to a sense of normalcy once again.  So God, I thank you for this time of reflection and drawing closer to You and reminding me that my faith will carry me through.  Until next time y’all! Be Blessed!!

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