Author: Alesha Shaw

Ok, so let me start this post off by saying that the Momming and Queening anthology is now available for purchase. Click on the “shop” tab on this site, and you will be able to purchase via the site.  This week I will be completing the momming and queening series on my blog, but I encourage you to purchase the book to read the stories of 7 awesome ladies who share how they are rocking this thing called motherhood. Thanks in advance for your support.  I pray you enjoyed the series. Ok, back to our regular scheduled program.

Last night, I had trouble falling asleep.  I am not sure if it was because of the neighbors partying or because of my excitement for the release of Momming and Queening, but it was a struggle. So, I decided to reflect on my parenting and what I would like to do better. What I realized and what I am kind of ashamed to say is, I don’t love on my daughters enough.  Sure, I love them, but I don’t express or say it out loud enough.  I am very tough, stern, and serious most of the time.  Yeah, we TikTok and dance around in my kitchen, but when we are not doing those things, I am usually serious and tough and getting on them for not being “the perfect children.”  Ugh, I hate to even admit that, seeing as how, I have been spending a lot of my time in 2021 doing all I can to get over my issues with perfection.  But it is true.  I am so worried about messing them up, that I may be messing them up. 

My oldest is 9, and it kills me how she cannot keep any space that she is in, clean.  It drives me nuts, so I am constantly fussing about how messy she is and getting frustrated of the fact that no matter how many times, I tell her, she just won’t clean. I think this is a legitimate frustration, however, I think a better way to handle this is figuring out a way to get her to clean without showing that I am frustrated about it.  Honestly, that is the hard part.  It is so easy to get mad about it than figure out a solution.  I think that is where I sometimes go wrong with parenting; wanting to go the easy route.  The time and energy it takes to figure out a solution takes longer than throwing in the towel and doing it myself.  The problem is, this creates a lazy child and angry mom which leads to an irritable mom, which leads to a mom living each day uptight and resentful leaving little room for loving and hugging.

Sometimes I say to myself, Alesha, if you love on them more, they will be more willing to do what is asked of them. They would want to please you and make sure they are making you proud. But if you are constantly yelling and pointing out what they aren’t doing, they are going to just want to tune you out and keep it moving.  So, I have decided to make this my challenge for the rest of 2021.  I will be intentional with my words, assuring them, and showing them how much I love them.  Most importantly, I will speak life and be more careful of how I communicate my expectations to them.  I will make more attempts to be creative in teaching them morals, values, and the importance of hard work, and be more forgiving when they don’t always get it right.  Sure, I will still appropriately discipline them, but I won’t discipline so much that I forget to love and be kind.  I have to remind myself that some things are normal for children to do and that doesn’t mean I am doing something wrong, it just means I have to have more patience.  Lord knows, this is going to take some serious prayer on my part because my girls can push my buttons, but that makes it a win, win because my goal has also been to build my relationship with God by increasing my prayer life.  So, what do y’all think?  Are there any moms who can relate to this?  Prayerfully, by the end of the year, I will have a testimony for y’all!!! Stay tuned! In the meantime, be blessed y’all!!

So, I am coming to the end of my momming and queening series.  Last week, I had to take a break. The funny this, my children are away with my parents so I thought I would be able to relax and knock some stuff out, but goodness, tell me why I felt even more anxious.  I was coming out of week of dance recital preparations, end of the school year, parties, birthdays for mom and daughter, and promotion for THE COURAGE TO BE FREE (another best seller, thank you!) project. Then, the coauthors of the MOMMING AND QUEENING anthology and I started our best seller campaign where we launch the Pre-orders for the Kindle for Amazon, (again, another #1 best seller on Amazon, by the way), work seemed stressful, people were irritating me, and  I couldn’t seem to relax.  My mind was constantly thinking of all the things I needed to accomplish. Not to mention, I had prepared to go out of town with my husband for Father’s Day weekend, and I couldn’t see how I was going to accomplish the goals I set.  It was a lot and honestly, I needed a break, but because I didn’t want to be selfish while preparing for Father’s day weekend, I literally just had to suck it up; but sucking it up can drain your energy and definitely messes with your mental health.  So, in the process of sucking it up, I started to think of positive things to say to myself to overcome my feelings of being overwhelmed. Some of the things I started to tell myself were,  “Alesha, you are human. You are not superwoman. You have to learn to not beat yourself up. Relax.  It is ok.  Stop feeling like you have to do EVERYTHING!”  As I started to say these things, I also began to say short prayers and listen to gospel to shift my mood and mindset. Surprisingly, it helped. I thought of how as moms, we need to practice the art of affirming ourselves.  Granted, my children are away, and my mommy duties aren’t as stressful, but sometimes it is hard to get out of mommy mode and focus on the present moment.  That was why I couldn’t relax.  I couldn’t fathom that I could actually give myself a break.  So, I googled some affirmations that I thought would be helpful to us, mamas and that I would share. Here are a few that I thought would be easy to memorize.

1. I will make the most of my day.
2. In the eyes, mind and heart of my child, I am a good mom.
3. I am loved.
4. All is well. They are well, and I am well.
5. Taking care of myself makes me a better mom. I give myself permission to nurture ME.
6. I am the exact parent my child needs to prosper.
7. There is peace and love in my home, even in the midst of chaos.
8. My family appreciates and loves me, even when they forget to tell me so.
9. I am letting go of any guilt weighing on my shoulders. I am not perfect, but I am what my child needs.
10. I will love fiercely, laugh freely and live courageously.
11. One bad day does not make me a bad mom. One bad day makes me human.
12. Though these times are difficult, they are only a short phase of life. This too shall pass.
13. I am enough.
14. I trust my intuition.
15. I am brave, strong, and courageous.

I also would like to share a few bible scriptures with you that helps me when I need a pick me up. I hope they do the same for you….

Isaiah 41:10 Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

John 16:33 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Matthew 11:28 Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

Psalm 121:1-2 I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.

Be blessed, mama!! You got this!

Last week, I posted about not losing yourself in motherhood.  This week I thought it would be cool to give 5 simple ways to get a little self -care in.  Sometimes we tell ourselves that we cannot get in self-care because we are so busy, but I encourage you to take advantage of any opening you may have to get yourself together.  When I am feeling overwhelmed or as if I haven’t poured enough into myself, here are few small things that give me a pick me up.

1. MUSIC! MUSIC! MUSIC! —  I LOVE music. It just does something to my soul.  I will have a certain song on repeat and will dance until I can’t dance anymore, and it makes me feel so happy.  It energizes me and changes my whole mood.  Here is the secret though:  You must always play a tune that is going to give you the opposite of what you are feeling.  If you are feeling overwhelmed, sad, depressed, tired, the idea is to play something that is going to change that feeling.  Where we go wrong is, we tend to play songs that will amplify our feelings and not change them.  Refrain from putting on slow, sad songs if you are feeling overwhelmed. Instead, put on some Michael Jackson (never fails for me, but of course you can play whatever lifts you up) or some Gospel (Lawd knows nothing can uplift you like a good old gospel song).
2. Watch a good movie – A good movie always makes me feel good. Particularly, movies I used to watch growing up.  Some of my favorite “old school” movies to watch are B.A.P.S, Pretty Woman, anything with a black cast from the 90s, Pretty in Pink, and Karate Kid (The original one).  I don’t know what it is about those 80s and 90s movies, but they just make me happy.
3. Journal – I have found that getting my thoughts out on paper have helped tremendously when I feel like I am NOT at my best.  Sometimes I jot down my thoughts, but most times, I jot down my desires and prayers to God.  It just makes it easier to organize my thoughts and feelings without them swimming around in my head. Gratitude journals are great, but also writing down legit things that make you sad can be helpful as well because it can help you to problem solve and challenge your thinking towards that particular thing. For example, if constantly cleaning up behind your family can make you a Debbie Downer, think of ways to lessen the stress. For me, it is limiting my girls to one play area and creating a game to make cleaning more fun to get them to participate and not allow it to all fall on me (or the hubs).
4. Read – I know reading is not everyone’s cup of tea, but it can be really relaxing and not to mention enlightening.  I have set a goal to read at least a book a month, and I must say, I have been pretty good at achieving this.  My selections are mostly self-help, spiritual books, but I also have thrown in some fiction to give me a good laugh or feel good feeling.  I apply the same rule of music to reading, always read something that is going to change your mood for the good. If you are feeling low about yourself, gravitate towards uplifting, powerful books. I recommend, Woman Evolve by Sarah Jakes Roberts.
5. Last but not least, speak life into yourself.  I read this quote that said, “if speaking kindly to plants help them grow, imagine what it would do to humans!” Are you speaking life?  Be mindful of the words you speak over yourself (and your family). I am truly a believer of, death and life are in the power of the tongue, Proverbs 18:21. You will be amazed at how your atmosphere shifts just by what you speak.  Affirmations may seem uncomfortable and weird but trust me when I say, it works.  Think of how your children and loved ones feel when you say something nice to them. See how their face glows and their posture straightens up.  Imagine what happens to your brain when you speak life to yourself.  Go ahead, try it, and let me know what happens!

Sure, there are more things to do for self-care, but I thought this was simple enough to start with. Self-care is what you make it.  Anything that you can do that puts a smile on your face is self-care.  It can be sitting in the yard soaking up the sun, taking a walk around the block, rolling up in a blanket like a taco (I do that sometimes), or even just sitting in silence after the family is sleeping.  Whatever works for you, indulge!! You deserve it momma!! Be Blessed Y’all.

I am excited to share that I will be publishing my first anthology on June 26th. The title is called Momming and Queening. The purpose of the anthology is to share stories of raising children in the millennium. I think motherhood is often glamourized and we don’t always express our true experiences as mothers. I want to dedicate the next few posts to the mothers as we all work this thing called motherhood. I salute you.

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I was losing myself. I had become a shell of a person.  I was set in autopilot.  I would get up, get the girls ready for school, head off to work to a job that was slowly but surely becoming unfulfilling, come home, do some momming and wife’n, go to bed to wake up to the same routine.  The weekends would come, and the hubs and the girls would want to go somewhere and do some type of family time whether it be walk around the mall or outlet stores or something that required us all to be involved.  Self-care was non-existent. 

The year 2019 was ending, and I remember just being in constant sadness.  It took every effort to make sure I looked decent on the outside because on the inside I was exhausted and tired.  Everyone seemed to need something from me, and I had nothing left to give.  I was being overlooked on my job, not vibing well with my new boss, and really doing just enough to get by.  At home, my girls’ energy was sucking me dry.  If I wasn’t being a mediator, counselor, taxi to dance class, nurse, playmate, and/or pillow (my youngest has to lay on me at some point in the day), I was being a wife.  There was no time that I had set for myself to be alone in my own thoughts and world.  (The only thing I could maintain was my manicure and pedicure which is probably what kept me from fully falling apart).  However, I started to feel constant fatigue and was extremely irritable.  I even went to the doctor because something just wasn’t right.  When the bloodwork returned normal, he did a depression screening.  Seeing as I have mental health background, I had to admit that yep, part of what I was feeling was depression.

This made me really sit down and think.  I knew I needed to be in the right mind if I wanted to be a present and effective mother.  I needed to get to the bottom of what was making me feel depressed, and then it was like a lightbulb went off.  It was the fact that I was losing myself. I had become so wrapped up in my mommy role that I neglected myself.  All the things I enjoyed doing, I no longer did them.  I couldn’t remember the last time I had watched a Rated-R movie or read a book uninterrupted or even listened to music that was not censored.  This may not seem like such a big deal to you, but I had tailored my life to my children so much that I didn’t leave anything for me.  I left nothing to fill me, and yet I was trying to pour into everyone else. 

I say this once and I will say this again, I was lowkey thankful for the 2020 lockdown. It blessed me so much because I was able to stop all the daily routines.  There was no getting ready for school and daycare in the morning, and no more going into the office.  Granted, everyone was home, but it left an opening for me to be able to stay up later at night after everyone was sleep and work on Alesha.  I started binge watching shows on Netflix that made me feel good and laugh.  I journaled and started doing bible plans on the bible app.  I started spending time with God and airing my grievances.   I wanted to strengthen my relationship with Him and build myself up again. I needed to find my identity as Alesha again.  Not as a mom or a wife, but as a woman who has interests and desires that do not entail my family. I felt bad for admitting that at first because I thought that would come off as ungrateful, but in order for me to be mentally healthy, I needed to be secure in my own identity. 

After months of doing some self-work, I noticed my mood began to change slightly. I was calmer when dealing with my girls and had more energy to give to them.  Because I was designating time for myself, I was able to refill my cup.  Not only was I intentional about doing things I enjoyed, but I was also intentional about what I chose to take in.  I made sure to read scriptures that were encouraging and uplifting, and that spoke to my situation.  I read books that were entertaining and were hard to put down.  I watched shows and movies that inspired me, and I was also thankful that I had someone to hold me accountable.   If it wasn’t for me having a circle of sisters who prayed for one another and made sure that I was ok, I probably wouldn’t have taken the time to actually recognize and acknowledge that something had to give.  If you don’t have praying friends in your life, get you some!!

Motherhood is a beautiful thing, but no one ever really talks about the struggles.  Society paints this picture-perfect idea of what a mother is and how she should be, and the picture usually denies her of her own interests and self-care.  It usually portrays mothers as always giving and sacrificing, but never shares what happens when giving and sacrificing depletes you of yourself.  Even worse, it doesn’t share what to do when it does.  I love being a mom, and I love my daughters very much, so it is vital for me that I am able to function at my highest capacity to be able to care for them. I don’t mind the giving and the sacrificing because they are deserving, but I also know that I am doing them a disservice if I find myself operating in autopilot because there is nothing left to give. So, to the moms out there, always fight to keep your identity.  If you find that you are losing yourself, take some time out and recharge.  Watch a funny movie, take a walk, sit in your car, walk around Marshall’s/HomeGoods, oh get a facial steamer (the best feeling ever!!), do whatever makes your feel like you again. Revisit an old hobby, or even set some goals that you want to achieve or go back to the ones that you may have pushed to the side. Connect with God and work on building your relationship with Him because there is no better comforter than Him!! (Oh, and stop beating yourself up! You are an awesome, mother!! You know the scripture; you are fearfully and wonderfully made.)  You have to make sure you are good because no one else will be if you are not!!  You cannot pour from an empty cup.  Always find time to refill and know that you are not alone out there! You got this, mama! Be blessed!!

A few weeks ago, I received a word by a friend that I needed to start to express myself more. I was told I needed to learn to celebrate myself and my victories, no matter how miniscule.  She went on to say that once I began to celebrate myself, more blessings and opportunities will come my way. This made me do a self-examination, and I had to admit, she was right on.

Humility is a weird thing to me. According to google, humility is a modest or low view of one’s own importance, humbleness.  We are taught to be humble and not to get a big head when it comes to our accomplishments and for me, that meant not to gloat or celebrate when I achieved anything, but to take it for what it is and keep it moving.  As I have grown into a woman, I come to see that that has been a detriment for me.  Any accomplishments or goals I have achieved, I rarely make a big deal of them, and if someone else does, I am grateful to them, but in the back of my mind, I am thinking, it is no big deal.  I may paste on a smile and muster up a thank you or even “act” more excited than I am, just trying to take in the moment, but for the most part, I have trained myself to not celebrate or express myself when it came to my achievements. 

I remember when I was preparing to go away to college. I was going to be miles away from home (an 11-hour drive), and for the first time ever, going to be on my own.  One day, I heard my mom talking on the phone saying, “She hasn’t really shown any emotion about it (going to college), so I guess she is ok.”  Going to college is a big deal. Not everyone goes and not everyone gets accepted to the colleges of their choice.  Here I was, someone who’d gotten accepted to all of the colleges I’d applied for, not fazed by it one bit.  It was a goal I set for myself, and I had achieved it.  To me, it was no biggie. I didn’t feel excitement or fear, I just saw it as a new chapter in my life that was a normal transition for me.  I think I tricked myself into not feeling to avoid sadness, fear, or worry.  Tricking myself caused me to not feel any other emotions either. Even the ones that were meant to make me happy.  I didn’t realize at the time that this type of mindset made me numb.  It wasn’t until I allowed myself to feel and explore that I began to appreciate where I was in life.  While in college, I began to come out of my shell (sort of), make friends, and truly take in the experience. As a result, those 4 years of my life were some of THE BEST years of my life.  I was open to receive what college life had to offer, and my blessings overflowed. From beautiful friendships, great professors, and priceless experiences and moments.

When I think of things in the spiritual realm, I think of the song that says when praises go up, blessings come down.  Celebrating yourself and giving God praise can go hand and hand.  Praising God for what He has done shows our gratitude and love of who He is.  When I choose not to praise Him as well as celebrate myself, perhaps it gives off ungrateful vibes, therefore, not attracting many occasions that truly bless my life.  Sure, I am blessed, but I could be hindering myself from receiving miraculous opportunities when I fail to acknowledge it.  Think about it. If you believe in the law of attraction, you believe that you attract what you constantly think and feel and/or give energy to.  When you give God praise, you express gratitude, exuding an aura of joy into the heavens that will in turn give you more to be grateful and joyous about.  Make sense?  I strongly believe that anything you water will grow and manifest a beautiful harvest.  This would include myself.  So, what does “watering me” look like? Well, it looks like being proud of myself, recognizing and acknowledging small victories, and being ok with patting myself on the back when I achieve goals, I may have set for myself.  It means acknowledging that I am favored and praising God for the many blessings He has bestowed upon me.  So, now that I have figured this out, it’s time to celebrate!! Be blessed y’all.

I’m back!!  I know, I know! It has been a while since I have posted, and I am a bit disappointed in myself for that.  However, it has been a lot going on, and in all transparency, I just couldn’t get myself worked up to post.  So, to bring you up to speed, I have been taking some big leaps of faith! I have become a part of another anthology, The Courage to Be Free, which I am honored to be a part of.

I have also taken on my own anthology project called Momming and Queening. This has been a testament of how I am learning to trust God and know that if I just take the first step, He will take it from there.  When I first got the idea to do the anthology, I immediately started dismissing the idea. I thought no one is going to want to collab with me. No one would want to invest in the fee it takes to put it all together.  After speaking with the publisher, I was encouraged to go ahead and do it.  My mantra for 2021 has been “Just Do It” even if I am terrified, just do it!  This was one of those things where I would just have to just do it!

Thankfully, after I posted on Social Media that I was seeking authors to collab with, several women reached out with interest.  God blessed me with 7 beautiful ladies to collab with.  Let me tell you, it has been such a rewarding experience to work with these women.  I am so honored that they chose to be a part of my first project.  Not only did I enjoy reading their stories (you will not be disappointed), but I also strongly believe that God strategically placed them in my life. I pray all the time that their experience was as much of a blessing as mine.   

Doors have opened for me in the past few months just as a result of me “just doing it!”  My whole mindset has shifted to anything is possible.  I am starting to get a vision that God is pushing me in a direction that will be unfamiliar territory for me but wants me to trust Him during the process. During the time when I was not posting on the blog.  I was receiving many messages, and one of them was you got to have FAITH.  Specifically, the message I was getting was just take the leap!  God doesn’t plant an idea if He does not have plans to help you manifest it.  The trouble we have is, we count ourselves out before we even try to see anything through, thinking that we do not have what it takes to make it work. Newsflash, you ain’t God!  It is not for you to worry or concern yourself with.  It is for you to just do it and let Him handle the rest.  I think of all the ideas He has placed on my heart.  I automatically get overwhelmed with thoughts of, how am I going to do that?  Guess what?  If you keep wondering how, you will never get started! So, I encourage you reading this, whatever it is that is in your heart to do, don’t count yourself out.  Just do it and watch God work! 

It’s another Friday!! We made it through another week! I thought it would be pretty cool to look back at what I have been enjoying these past few days. I have been really big on self-care and taking care of my soul and mental health. I have been making an attempt to do something that I love at least once a day even it is the smallest thing. I saw an influencer on Instagram who started something called her Favorite Five (I think that is what she calls it), and I figured that would be cool to do one of my own. Since music has been what I have gravitated to this week, here’s what music I am loving this Friday.

The Lion King: The Gift Album- This has been one of my favorite works of art by Beyoncé and friends (I don’t know who all was involved). Not only are the beats hypnotizing and makes me want to dance, but the lyrics are so empowering, that whenever I am feeling poopy, they are guaranteed to lift my spirits

Alright by King Promise (f/ Shatta Wale)

Father by Medikal (f/Davido)

Blessed by Mali Music

Yin and Yang by Mali Music

So tell me, what have you been enjoying this week? What has kept you going?

As far as I can remember, I knew I wanted to be a mother.  I wanted to have at least 2 kids, a boy and a girl (the typical dream).  Little did I know, how much came with being someone’s parent.  Little did I know all the sources I would have to pull from in order to be present and attentive to these little beings I am, now, responsible for.  Although I did have the two I asked for, both were girls, no boy.  Let me tell you, they are a handful.  So different in personalities, yet the same energy is needed to provide them with what they need in order to rear them decently.  

My oldest is a self-proclaimed fashionista/stylist/entertainer who constantly needs your undivided attention. If she is not having fashion shows or concerts, she is preaching a longwinded sermon that requires participation and patience.  Don’t get me wrong, I love her love of God, but her sermons can be draining and go on forever.  I am constantly trying to balance my sanity and not killing her spirit.  Most of time, I feel I am failing at achieving this balance.

My youngest is at an age where she is beginning to express her personality as well as do whatever the oldest have her do.  She is definitely a mommy’s girl and is on my heels every time I turn around.  She doesn’t require much attentiveness as my oldest but does like to be near me (touching me) at all times.  They are both little firecrackers, however. I find myself always trying to keep up and stay focused on whatever it is they are engaged in.  

Growing up, I would hear adults say things like, “wait until you have a child of your own” or “it’s hard being a parent.” I never got it until now.  I think it is the idea of being responsible for another soul, and I mean soul, literally. God has gifted us with these babies to show them the way.  We are responsible for shaping them and molding them and it can be tough.  I have learned for me to raise healthy children, I must one, make sure I am good, and two, meet them where they are and seek ways to speak to their spirit.  I sometimes find myself speaking to them as if they are older than they are and put expectations on them that are not age appropriate.  Then, I become frustrated when the expectations are not met, not realizing that they just aren’t there yet.  Every day I am learning what works and what doesn’t and how I can be better to them and for them, but it ain’t easy.  Most of the time, “I’s tired, Boss!! I’s can’t make it, Boss!!” Sometimes, I even want to crawl up in the fetal position and rock myself into another world because I just do not have it in me.  In those moments, I just regroup, reconnect, and remember to “be brave” as my oldest used to put it when she was younger.

I used to be a very patient individual. That was a quality that people seemed to always notice about me, and it was humbling considering not a lot of people have patience. However, when it comes to raising my daughters, patience is a word that seems so foreign to me.  I think it boils down to just wanting the best for them and wanting them to learn things at my pace rather than their own. If I am honest, I sometimes worry about judgment from others that I am not doing a good job as a mother. I know prior to becoming a mom, I had my opinions on other’s parenting, some good, some bad.  I had thoughts on how I would discipline/interact with my child once I had him/her.  I always thought the “old school” way worked and planned to follow that model, meaning, punishment, repercussion, pop on the butt, etc.  I still believe in these things, however, I, now, know that they must be modified into today’s society with today’s children. Although I still wonder if my parenting is being judged, I am getting better at focusing on what other’s may think. Every has an opinion, and it is really not my concern. What is best for my daughters is!  I understand now that some things just don’t work for children nowadays. I have to be creative with how I speak to my girls and how I react to their shenanigans. I am learning although they are children, they are still people. Some things have to be tweaked, or I am not going to get the result that I want and to add to that, a headache. 

Being a mom has taught me that I have to be aware of all that I say and do.  In the past, I would try to carry myself in a way that would be a role model to young girls who may see me, whether daily or in passing.  Although, I continue to do that, it is different being a mother to daughters who see and hear everything!!! For example, I remember mumbling the word stupid in the car in response to something I heard on the radio.  Knowing I shouldn’t have said it, but thinking I said it low enough to not be heard, I thought I was off the hook.  Sure enough, the little one heard!! One thing, I tell them is not to say words like stupid, idiot, shut up, dumb, etc. Those are “bad words” and here I was using it. (Let’s not even talk about how I cannot enjoy anything with explicit or inappropriate language anymore because their little hears pick up everything).  But yeah, parenting has been somewhat of a journey for me.

To make life easier for myself, some things I just have to let go. I look at the spirit of my daughters, and I am just in awe at how they can love unconditionally and how they look at the beauty of life. Things that I once saw as beautiful, I have grown to take for granted. I see that there are things that just aren’t that worth getting so upset over. I have learned to “talk about it” as my oldest continues to tell me when I am upset, and she wants to plead her case.  I am learning that some things are really and truly “accidents” or “misunderstandings.” Some things I can be gentle about and not always be so tough.  My oldest has taught me that sometimes you just have to put on a dress and a pair of heels and get a “makeup over” to feel good and pretty. She teaches me to be “fierce” and reminds me of the importance of being creative and expressing yourself.  My youngest teaches me how to love unconditionally.  She reminds me that “it’s going to be OK!”  My girls teach me to be aware of who I am not always take life so seriously. They make me have fun. We sing, we dance, we act silly!  Although mommin’ is tough, it also does so much for my soul. Sometimes I wonder, am I teaching them or are they teaching me?  My daughters remind me of the importance of confidence.  I have never seen so much confidence rolled up in such small bodies, and I am so thankful to God for blessing me with these little divas. Sometimes as moms, we get too caught up in wanting to rear them right, that we miss out on the opportunities to let loose and allow them to be themselves.  Heck, we need to allow ourselves to be ourselves.  They will learn more from us being our true selves than they will our desire to rear them “perfectly.” Remember there is no such thing, so that would only do them a disservice and set them up for failure.  Mommin’ ain’t easy, but I am enjoying the ride!!

So, I participated in Self-Love Week with the ladies and fellow authors of the I am More than Enough Anthology.  Each night was a night of empowerment and uplifting.  My topic was on overcoming perfection.  I felt the need to share to my blog in hopes of helping someone.  I wanted to talk to you about how I had to get over the need to be perfect for God to start moving in my life. 

So, years ago, 7 years to be exact, I wanted to start a blog and be some type of a “content creator.”  I started a little starter blog to get my juices flowing, but I just felt like I didn’t really have the knowledge of what or how to do it nor did I have “everything I needed” to do it.  I didn’t have any cute pictures, or expensive camera, the situation wasn’t right, and then I was just like no one is going to read my stuff. No one really cares.  I am not the type of person someone is going to support or find interesting.  I was a new mom, trying to balance mommy life, so I told myself, this is not the right timing.  I kept waiting for the perfect moment and opportunity that make launching a blog more successful.

In waiting for the perfect time, I wasted a good 7 years that I could have been in this thing!!  So a few years ago I joined a prayer circle with some incredible women of God, and last year we discussed things we desired and wanted to work towards.  I mentioned to them that I wanted to start a blog and that is where my heart was.  Well, several months went by and I still had no blog.  One of my prayer sisters was like, “Girl, you’ve been talking about this blog thing and still haven’t done it.  I am going to hold you accountable!!” 

Needless to say, that was the best thing she could do for me.  She was the fire needed to get it done. That and Melissa Fredericks aka MrsKevOnstage whose book club also inspire me to the take “The Big Leap!” I got some pictures done. I set a date I wanted to be done by and started to work on the site. Again, I started to get discouraged because I couldn’t figure out how to create the site or make it look like others that were nicer.  I do not have a creative mind, so I was drawing a blank of what exactly I wanted the site to look like, but I knew what I had wasn’t the look I wanted (rolls eyes at my need to criticize myself).

I started noticing how this need to be perfect was holding me back.  I was encouraged to write it down so I could get to the root of it and heal from it.  So as things popped in my head, I wrote it down. I said to myself, this could be my first post for my blog, at least I will have something to start with. But as things came to my head, I started writing more and more.  Then, I started to realize this is going to be more than one post, maybe 2 or 3. Which made me feel good because I figured I would have something to start with.

Anyways, I had hopes of these writings being my first few posts. Well low and behold, I see a post by Dr. Tamika Hall on facebook looking for women to be a part of this anthology. I, first, sent it to a friend who was interesting in writing as well, then I decided to look into it for myself.  I wasn’t sure where it was going to go but I went for it.  Then something said, “Alesha, use what you have been writing about for the anthology!! This was/is your struggle. You think everything has to be perfect. What you wrote can help someone who may be experiencing the same thing.”

When I tell you God works in mysterious ways…Lawd!!!! I realized that that is why he placed it on my heart to write my experiences down because he knew the opportunity was going to rise.  I had to let go of the idea that things need to be perfect and just step out and trust the process.  In order for me to recognize and heal from it, he told me to write it down.  And look what He did!  He made this experience a chapter in a book!! Had I kept waiting for the perfect moment, it would have probably been another 7 years passing by and me, sitting here looking crazy!!

So, my encouragement to you is, stop waiting for the perfect moment, there is no perfect moment. There is the moment that you step out on faith, once you do that, and do the work, everything will fall into place. Oftentimes, we, as women, we set unrealistic expectations on ourselves and become disappointed in ourselves when they are not met! Perfection is such a toxic disease. I remember reading somewhere that it is an effect of trauma.  We try to overcompensate for things we cannot control or want control over.  It leads to avoiding things because you are terrified of the consequences of it failing.  Stop doing that!!! At the end of the day, God wants us to live freely and trust Him to guide us along the way.  Besides, if we were perfect, we wouldn’t need him, right? Do yourself a favor, relax, and just do it, even if it’s not perfect. He will take care of the rest! Be blessed.

….In the meantime, please feel free to purchase the I AM MORE THAN ENOUGH ANTHOLOGY to hear more of my story!! Click the “shop” tab on the menu to purchase!!!…

…Jumping out of the frying pan into the fire; Always screaming out the devil is a liar. Truth is we’ve all lost touch; And I don’t think the devil talkin’ that much… ~lyrics from Make It, by Mali Music

Do you ever find yourself saying, “man, the devil is busy?” I know there was a time when I find myself saying that a lot.  It just felt like so much going on that appeared to be works of the devil. I had to stop and truly look at some situations and I thought, is it really the works of the devil or is it me?

Reality is, it ain’t always the devil.  Sometimes I think we give the devil too much credit. Why? Probably because we don’t want to take responsibility for our own actions.  Look at your life, what does it look like to you? Is it a pretty picture? Or does it need some restructuring?  I remember going through a tough time at my job a few years ago and thinking, “Lord, the devil is busy.”  Although I truly believe he WAS and is always busy, at that time, what I was experiencing wasn’t the devil. 

See, I had been working at my previous employer for about 5 years at the time. I had never gotten into any trouble. Always did what I was supposed to and pretty much had an easygoing job. The atmosphere at the workplace was pretty cool and calm.  My co-workers and I were very supportive of each other which made for a great working environment. Well, that changed upon getting a new manager of the program.  The company wanted to hire someone to light a fire under us (I assume) and it shook my world completely up. I’d gotten written up for the first time (for something that was not my fault, I must add) within months of the new manager being hired.  I, then, got subpoenaed for a court case that had been giving me trouble since I started working with the client. This caused serious anxiety because there were some things I realized I had not done while counseling this person that were being questioned and brought up.  It caused me to question my ability to do my job, and if I was doing the right things.  It made me take a step back and say, “God, what am I doing? What is going on?  A job I once liked is becoming a pain in my butt!! The devil is having a field day.”  I found myself in constant prayer for change and seeking spiritual guidance.  Something had to give.  Then I realized, I was getting exactly what I had asked for.  I had been asking God to make me better. I wanted to do more with my life and myself. I felt like I wasn’t reaching my potential and was becoming complacent.  Sometimes you have to become uncomfortable in order to be propelled to do something different.  Remember, PRESSURE BUILDS DIAMONDS!! I was being put through the fire for a reason and that was to be better. When you walk with God, the road is not always going to be peachy. He puts you through some not-so-pleasant stuff to build you.  It wasn’t the devil because if it was, I wouldn’t be where I am now.  Because I continued to pray and focus on His word, the devil was defeated. In the words of Curtis Payne (from Tyler Perry’s House of Payne), “the devil thought he had me….,” but I refused to give the devil control of my life.

When things are going crazy for you, stop and think, is this really the devil or is it God preparing you for something? Or maybe it is just time to look at yourself and see what is going on in your life that could be causing the chaos. It is also important to know that sometimes we need a wake up call!!! If the devil truly is wreaking havoc in your life, perhaps, you have caused it.  Let’s be real, we are not perfect. We are human. When things appear to be falling apart or looking bad in your life, it could be the fact that maybe your ways have caught up with you.  As Christians, sometimes we may need a reality check.  Often times we stray away, because the other side looks more enticing, but what happens is, things start to happen to remind you of who you are and whose you are. God allows things to strip you so that all you have is Him to focus on.  To remind you of who has the last say.

Sure, the enemy likes to stir up trouble in this world, but you have to know who you are in the mist of his destruction. As long as there are things like hate in this world, the devil will be in the midst.  That is why you MUST ALWAYS remember to wear the full armor of God to fight against the wiles of the devil. Whenever it seems like the “devil is busy” in your personal life, take some time to examine yourself, and ask, “is it really the devil? Or is God trying to tell me something?”

Be Blessed!!

…³ And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; ⁴ And patience, experience; and experience, hope: ⁵ And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us. ~Romans 5:3-5…